Welcome to "The Reluctant Plant Parent's Guide to Not Killing Your Green Roommates or Your Pets: A Toronto Edition Part 1
In the grand tradition of Torontonians pretending we're cosmopolitan while secretly yearning for a detached house with a yard, I present to you the ultimate guide to indoor plants that won't murder your furry friends. Because apparently, juggling a soul-crushing commute, crippling mortgage payments, and the constant fear of being priced out of your neighborhood isn't enough - you've decided to add "plant parent" and "pet owner" to your list of largely unsuccessful life endeavors.
1. Ferns
Let's start with the Boston Fern, shall we? This lush green diva is perfect for those of you who want to pretend you live in a rainforest instead of a shoebox-sized condo in Liberty Village. It's like having your very own Jurassic Park, minus the velociraptors (unless you count your neighbor's questionably behaved chihuahua). This popular large indoor plant thrives on neglect and humidity, much like my sisters hair in summer.
Care instructions: Water it when the soil feels slightly dry, which should be about as often as you remember to call your mother. Mist it daily, or just cry near it - your tears of plant-parent inadequacy will do nicely. For optimal growth, place it in partial sun - much like the amount of sunlight Toronto gets in winter. Keep the soil moist but well-drained, think of it as the plant equivalent of your emotional state after a night of plant-related stress and too much coffee. Feed it monthly with a balanced, water-soluble fertilizer during the growing season, which in Toronto is approximately March-July.
2. African Violet
Next up, we have the African Violet. This flowering plant is the overachiever of the plant world, constantly trying to bloom and make the rest of us feel inadequate. It's the plant equivalent of that friend who always posts about their gym routine on Instagram.
Care instructions: Place it in partial sun, preferably near a window where it can judge your life choices. Water it from the bottom, much like how you should approach your emotions - from a safe distance and indirectly. Let the soil dry slightly between waterings, but don't let it get bone dry - much like your dating life. The soil should be well-drained but moist, acidic to neutral - unlike your personality after a long Toronto winter. Feed it every two weeks with a high-phosphorus fertilizer to encourage blooming, or just to give it something to lord over its non-blooming neighbors.
3. Banana Tree
For those of you in Brampton or Richmond Hill looking for the best large indoor real plants, might I suggest the Banana Tree? Nothing says "I'm sophisticated and definitely not compensating for anything" quite like a massive tropical plant in your suburban living room.
Care instructions: This big plant delivery favorite requires full sun (as full as your delusions of being a successful plant parent) and regular watering. Keep the soil consistently moist, but not waterlogged - think of a Toronto spring, wet but not quite flooded. It likes high humidity, so mist it daily or place it near a humidifier. Feed it monthly with a balanced fertilizer during the growing season. In winter, cut back on watering and fertilizing, much like how you cut back on your social life when the temperature drops below zero.
4. Spider Plant
Let's not forget the Spider Plant, the ultimate "I can't kill this even if I try" option. It's the participant trophy of the plant world - you get to feel like a successful plant parent without actually having to do anything.
Care instructions: Give it bright, indirect light - like the glow of your phone screen at 2 AM when you're googling "why is my plant dying?" Keep the soil lightly moist, but not soggy - unlike your soggy self-esteem after killing your tenth succulent. It's not picky about soil, but prefers well-draining potting mix. Feed it every month during the growing season with a balanced fertilizer, diluted to half strength because even hardy plants can get overwhelmed sometimes.
5. Parlor Palm
For those of you with delusions of grandeur and ceilings higher than your career aspirations, might I suggest the Parlor Palm? Nothing says "elegance" quite like a palm tree crammed into your tiny Leslieville apartment.
Care instructions: It needs bright, indirect light - more light than your dating prospects, but less than the interrogation room at your local police station. Keep the soil consistently wet but don't overwater - like your eyes when it inevitably dies. Use a peaty soil-based potting mix, neutral - unlike your feelings towards Toronto winters.
Remember, if all else fails, there's always plastic plants. They're like the participation trophy of the plant world - no effort required, but also no real sense of accomplishment. Much like my attempts at adulting. Happy planting, Toronto!
