Welcome to "The Reluctant Plant Parent's Guide to Not Killing Your Green Roommates or Your Pets: A Toronto Edition Part 2
Once upon a time in Toronto, while masquerading as worldly sophisticates while secretly lusting after a postage stamp of lawn, I present to you the ultimate guide to foliage that won't turn your furry companions into ticking time bombs. Because evidently, the daily tango with soul-crushing commutes and the ever-present dread of never affording more than a glorified closet to live in wasn't quite enough excitement for you.
So here I am, in a shop that smells of potting soil and crushed dreams, searching for greenery that can withstand both my neglect and my pet's culinary curiosity. Welcome to adulthood in Toronto, where success is measured by how many living things you can keep alive in a space barely big enough to swing a cat – not that I've tried, of course. That's on next week's to-do list, right after "learn to love kale" and "pretend to understand wine beyond 'red' and 'white'."
Fear not, my fellow gluttons for punishment. I've scoured the GTA, from the concrete jungle of downtown Toronto to the strip mall paradise of Mississauga, the cultural mosaic of Markham to the "wait, where is that again?" of Vaughan, to bring you this comprehensive guide to plants that can withstand both your neglect and your pet's curiosity.
1. Venus Fly Trap
This carnivorous little drama queen is perfect for those of you who want a pet and a plant but can't commit to either. It's like having a tiny, immobile guard dog for your windowsill.
Care instructions: Place it in full to partial sun - more sun than you'll see all winter in Toronto. Water it from the bottom with rainwater, which should be easy to collect given Toronto's penchant for sudden downpours that always seem to coincide with the moment you step out of the house without an umbrella. The soil should be sandy, moist, and acidic - much like your mood when you realize it's caught exactly zero flies in your immaculately clean condo.
2.Areca Palm
Next up, we have the Areca Palm. Because nothing says "I have too much space in my home" quite like a giant palm tree in the corner of your 500 sq ft condo. It's the plant equivalent of buying a Great Dane when you live in a bachelor apartment.
Care instructions: This big plant delivery favorite requires full to partial sun - more than you get in your basement apartment, but less than you'd get if you actually went outside once in a while. Keep the soil moist, but let it dry out slightly between waterings - like your dating life after you tell your Tinder date about your extensive plant collection. The soil should be moist but well-drained, acidic to neutral - unlike Toronto's weather, which seems to oscillate between "swamp" and "desert" with no in-between.
3.Calathea
For those of you in Brampton or Richmond Hill looking for the best large indoor real plants, might I suggest the Calathea? This diva of the plant world likes high humidity, filtered water, and constant attention. It's basically the plant equivalent of your neediest friend from Yorkville.
Care instructions: It prefers partial sun to shade - as shady as your ex who still hasn't returned your favorite sweater. Maintain consistently moist soil - unlike the consistently dry conversations at your last dinner party. The soil should be loamy, moist, well-drained, acidic to neutral - more balanced than your work-life balance will ever be.
4.Haworthia
Care instructions: t needs full to partial sun - more light than you get in your cubicle, but less than you'd get if you actually took your lunch break outside. Water it when the top inch of soil dries out in spring and summer - seasons that barely exist in Toronto. The soil should be sandy, well-drained, and neutral - like your expression when someone asks if you've killed another plant.
5.Prayer Plant
Let's not forget the Prayer Plant, the ultimate "I'm silently judging you" option. It prays every night that you'll remember to water it. Spoiler alert: You probably won't.
Care instructions: Give it partial sun to shade - like your future as a plant parent. Water it frequently, but don't let it get soggy - unlike your mood when it inevitably dies. The soil should be moist but well-drained, neutral to acidic - like your personality after killing your 10th plant.
5. Money Tree
And finally, we have the Money Tree. Spoiler alert: It doesn't actually grow money, but it's a great conversation starter for complaining about Toronto's cost of living.
Care instructions: It needs full to partial sun - as full as your schedule of failed Tinder dates. Water it once the top inch of soil is dry - more attention than you give your savings account. The soil should be moist but well-drained, acidic to neutral - like your attitude towards TTC delays.
And hey, if your green thumb turns out to be more of a withered brown stub, remember: there's always the fool-proof world of fake foliage. Plastic plants: the participation trophies of the botanical world! They require zero effort, much like my attempts at following through with New Year's resolutions. But hey, at least they'll never judge your inconsistent watering habits or your questionable life choices.
So go forth and plant, Toronto! Whether you're cultivating a lush urban jungle or just managing to keep a single succulent alive, we're rooting for you. (Plant pun absolutely intended, and we're not even sorry about it.)
